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    I officially become a statisticAugust 28, 2015
    Five years to the day that I was first diagnosed with stage IV cancer. All survival rates are based on a five year span. Five years today and I'm still here.
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    Five Years Cancer FreeJanuary 28, 2016
    When I reach five years with no recurrence, I will be getting a tattoo on my left wrist of a teal and white awareness ribbon with the roman numeral for 5.

Today’s Thoughts…

July 24, 2014// Finally, an answer. Even though the answer is that we have no answer, I am relieved. I’ve been waiting since the PET scan this past April to find out if the area that lit up was a metastasis, or a false positive. A series of events, including an inpatient stay, delayed the follow up CT scan until earlier this month.

The initial CT report showed nothing to suggest the presence of cancer. My oncologist was not comfortable with this results, since the CT was preformed without contrast for various reasons. The films were sent back to the Interventional Radiologists at the hospital, asking them to review again and consider doing a needle biopsy. Three out of the four docs said no immediately. The fourth finally responded saying the area was too deep, so little tissue present, and so filled with fluid that it would not be safe – he would not do it. My ears pick up on the fact that the area is filled with fluid, since that is one of the things known to produce a false negative PET results.

So at this point we still don’t know if the area in question is cancer returned or not. But the decision was finally made, since there aren’t many other choices, to simply wait and see. Another CT scan in three months, this time signing waivers to use contrast**, and we’ll see what that shows. Hopefully nothing.

Meanwhile, I feel like a weight has been lifted. Back to life as normal, or as normal as my life ever is, with the occasional prayer to remain cancer free.

 

**There is a hesitancy to use contrast in someone with only one kidney. The dye is expelled through the kidneys, and failure to do so can cause kidney failure.

Today’s Thoughts…

July 7, 2014//CT scan today, finally. The plan was to get a CT with contrast to get a better look at the area that lit up on the PET scan a couple months ago, since the area is too deep to biopsy. Unfortunately, they do not give contrast to persons with one kidney. Their explanation was that the dye is evacuated through the kidneys, and it can do bad things if it remains in the body for too long. With only one kidney, the chances of it lingering is too great.

Whatever. What it means to me is that the quality of information we were hoping to get is now seriously decreased. I’m trying to find out if the cancer has come back.

Time is passing. If it is back anything could be happening in there as time is ticking away. Now the wait is on for my doctor to call to set up an appointment to come in and discuss the results. At this rate it will be a week for the call then two or three weeks for the appointment.

When the doctor first told me there was a questionable spot on the PET scan, I’d asked if we needed to act now or possibly wait three months and repeat the PET scan. He said no, if it did turn out to be cancer, we’d want to begin treatment right away. It’s been nearly three months now. What’s the difference?

Today’s Thoughts…

June 17, 2014// I just realized how long it’s been since I’ve entered a post. I guess I’ve been having trouble focusing lately, more than normal. I just got the results of another urine culture, second one since I got out of the hospital, and I still have a resistant bacterial infection in my kidney. It’s difficult to treat because I’m allergic to most antibiotics. The culture showed only two antibiotics that would be effective against it, at least only two that are available in pill form. It’s documented that I am allergic to one of them. A prescription is waiting at the pharmacy for me for the other drug. I’m nervous to take it because everything I read says if you are allergic to the one drug, not to take this either. But the doctor thinks it’s worth the risk. If I’m not able to take this one, I’ll have to go back to receiving medication by IV again. If not inpatient, then drive to an infusion center every day to receive it. Scared to try the new pills but don’t want the alternative.  Some times this whole thing really sucks.

My oncologist’s nurse finally returned my call today, I’ve left messages over the last week. She said what I already knew, they want to schedule a CT with contrast to get a better look at the lesion that lit up on the PET scan.  They’ve been watching the lab results from the blood my PCP has drawn over the last couple weeks, making sure my kidney function is stable again. Who knows with yet another infection. But as soon as they think that’s ok they will schedule the CT. A little concerned since I had the PET scan several weeks ago now.  My pain level has increased and I’ve been feeling all kinds of new pains and sensations.  Likely because the weather is warm now and I’ve been much more active.  My mind, of course, keeps telling me it’s because the cancer has grown like wildfire and has taken over the whole region again.

Prayer is that it was not cancer that lit up the PET scan, that they will be unable to find anything on the CT scan. If I can’t have that, then second choice would be that at least has not changed.

I’ve been thinking a lot about having chemo and the heat of the summer.  Because of all the changes I’ve gone through from the last treatment, I cannot tolerate heat at all. I’m just imagining trying to wear a wig or other head cover, with sweat rolling down my face.  I don’t think I could do it. But walking around bald isn’t really an option either.  UUGGGGHHH!!

Today’s Thoughts…

May 7, 2014//Just got back from doctor’s appointment.  Seems a small, 2.2 centimeter, area lit up pretty strong on the PET scan. Chances are good it is cancer. They want to attempt a biopsy sometime in the next week or so to try to confirm before deciding on treatment.  It is in an awkward position, deep on the pelvic wall – buried in necrotic tissue, adhesions, and scar tissue from previous radiation therapy – so may not be able to reach it but want to try.  The miracle would be for the biopsy to come back negative, not cancer.  But more likely, if it confirms cancer, or if they are unable to biopsy, I’ll go back to the doctor in two weeks to discuss next steps.  Likely chemo.

Today’s Thoughts…

April 24, 2014//When the doctor scheduled the PET scan he also scheduled my next regular appointment with him in six months.  He said once the results of the PET came in he would call and either tell me all is fine and he’d see me in September, or schedule an earlier appointment to come in to discuss the positive results and the what/when/how of treatment.

His nurse called this afternoon.  Scheduled an appointment for me on May 7th. NOT the outcome I’d hoped for.

PET scans do have a fairly significant record of giving false positive results, so nothing is for sure yet.  Likely, but not certain. Two weeks of prayer and trying to stay positive.

I believe in the power of prayer.  God hears my voice.  When many voices are lifted to him in union, He cannot dismiss them. All prayers are welcome and appreciated.

Today’s Thoughts…

April 19, 2014//Frozen. PET scan is scheduled for Monday morning, two days from now. Easter is tomorrow. Having lots of trouble… it’s as though that old coping mechanism has kicked back in… as if I’ve frozen the future, refusing to acknowledge it exists. I don’t want to start anything I can’t wrap up in the next day, because I don’t know what my reality will look like in a couple days. My entire life could be turned upside down. Again.

God I have no words to express how badly I do not want to go through that again.

Sometimes I wonder which is worse, having cancer or the mental torture a cancer survivor goes through for the rest of her life, living in fear that every ache, pain, unexplained feeling could be cancer.  So different than someone who is merely fearful or obsessed or paranoid about getting cancer? Because for us, chances are that it really, truly, absolutely, very likely, could be cancer.

I will likely wait to post again until later next week, after I receive and digest the results. Until then, join me, pray.

To The Best of My Memory…

Days passed uneventfully. I tried to continue working. Many days I logged on from home and attended meetings by conference call instead of going into the office. I’d had a CT scan the day after my GYN visit. Those results plus the positive biopsy confirmed the advanced stage the GYN doctor had predicted. A PET scan was run to determine exactly where the cancer had spread so the oncologist would know how to proceed.

My memories of that first visit with the GYN/Oncologist are patchy. I remember being in the exam room, I remember the chair I sat in. I don’t remember the exam its self, although I know it happened. I remember him sitting on the little rolling stool in front of me, giving me ‘the plan’. I remember him telling me that “despite its advanced stage, cervical cancer has a history of being very responsive to treatment, so we could be hopeful, we did have a chance of beating this thing.” He explained the cancer that had began in my cervix had spread to my left kidney, bladder, pelvic wall, surrounding lymph nodes, and there was some involvement into the upper thigh of my left leg, but I’d have to refer to my medical records to tell you exactly what it was. I really have blocked a lot. What I do know is that I could still walk but could no longer lift my leg to step on or off a curb or step, and had to literally lift my leg with my hands to get in and out of the car. He told me we would start with six weeks of treatment, having radiation five days and chemotherapy one day each week. He would monitor progress and responsiveness of the cancer and adjust or change as necessary. I explained to him that I had moved there from out of state a short time ago and asked if this was something I could handle on my own or if I needed to go back home, to be with family who could help me if needed. His response was that I would have to manage, that we needed to begin immediately. I asked him to stage my cancer and to give me some statistics – what were my chances. I remember his exact words, can still hear his voice,” I promise you I will do everything I know how to fight this thing.” That told me everything I needed to know.

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